


Using Hurt to Fix Hurt

by SpaceKid



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Drunk Sex, Gay Michael Mell, Gen, Guilt, Internalized Homophobia, Marijuana, Michael Mell Has Two Moms, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking, brief suicidal idealization, compulsory heterosexuality, sex as self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 09:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17097779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceKid/pseuds/SpaceKid
Summary: Michael Mell may not have had the best self confidence or relationships with other people, but one thing that he never doubted or blamed for the cause of conflict was being gay. A lot of things went wrong at Jake Dillinger's Junior Year Halloween party, and maybe Michael made some mistakes too.





	Using Hurt to Fix Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Woo, this has been in the works for a while. I'm very lazy, but if people like this I'm already working on the next part!  
> Thx to mixx and the bmc server for supporting me, and gray for letting me use his name for a oc
> 
> If anything needs to be tagged please (nicely) let me know!

Michael and Jeremy have always been close. Meeting your best friend in kindergarten kind of enforces that. They shared everything from juice boxes to Pokémon cards to secrets. Jeremy always drank the apple juice and Michael always drank the grape, Jeremy loved his Clefairy more than his GameCube and Michael could never choose between his Groudon and his Torchic. In the fourth grade Jeremy threw out everything that reminded him of his mother when she left, and when Michael found out he said he has two so he can share one. Michael hugged Jeremy until the boys tremors died down and he whispered that he both hates and misses his mom, but would love to share one of Michael's, both of them are nicer anyway. Michael even helped him dig the cardigans she left out of the garbage bag and hang them back up. Michael had to balance on his the tips of his toes to bring down the hangers, he pretended he didn't notice when Jeremy kept a soft dark blue one and put it in his room. One quiet sleepover the summer after seventh grade, after beating another world in Mario, Michael sleepily confessed he doesn't get liking girls when boys are so much cooler.

After the initial confession Jeremy agreed with a "Yeah I get that, boys are pretty cool, but I like girls they're so pretty" and it just became another fact of their relationship. Michael told his moms with hardly any nervousness, they hugged him so tight the breath left his lungs and they told him they were proud he told them. He told Mr. Heere, with a little more fidgeting and anxiety leaking into his voice, but Mr. Heere just smiled and said something along the lines of "Michael, you're practically my son, you could shit in the floor and I wouldn't be mad as long as you cleaned it up after". That was easily one of the stranger responses to him coming out, but it meant a lot all the same.

When eighth grade came around, with a summer full of support from his moms, Mr. Heere, and Jeremy he didn't care who found out or who he told because he knew that the people who mattered loved him. That isn't to say he wasn't bullied or that he didn't cry the first time Dustin Kropp wrote 'Fag' on his locker, but it helped when Jeremy held him tight and called his moms and they took the day off school with gummy bears and their parents letting them have a sleepover on a school night for the first time.

Michael and Jeremy had their fights, their anxieties, their own friends. But, the two of them never left each others sides, even when Michael bailed on Jeremy to watch a movie with his first boyfriend. Out of everything that ever came between Michael and Jeremy, or that Michael had ever doubted or hated about himself, being gay was never one of them.

However, Jake Dillinger's Junior Year Halloween party was a strange night.

Michael tentatively figured out he had a crush on Jeremy during freshman year, but it was never worth the risk of making things awkward. It wasn't a grand revelation that changed Michael's perspective on their friendship, more of a passing thought when Jeremy's face was lit up only by the glow of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer in the middle on the night in October, the haze of their smoke and the dancing lights were cinematic and Michael wanted to kiss the giggling boy, and realized that that wasn't the first time he felt that warmth and joy towards Jeremy. The revelation was just another fact that Michael was satisfied with. However those emotions probably made the events of that night even tougher on the Filipino teen. Jeremy ignoring him for almost two months was hard enough, nothing this bad had come between them before this. No one who knew the two could help Michael figure out what he did wrong. Michael became anxious and angry, he began ignoring his other friends. He bailed on dungeons and dragons three weeks in a row and their dungeon master, Gray, is going to kill him if he doesn't show up next week but Michael really doesn't want to exist right now never mind pretend to exist in a fantasy world. The decision had be made already about 'Fuck Jeremy, he's being an asshole' and killed his character, and as much as he doesn't want to lose more friends, DnD is too much energy that Michael doesn't have. He quit the campaign and only talked to a few people. Still, Michael had a harder time just cutting Jeremy off, Jeremy had been such a staple in his life and the SQUIP has to be fucking with him for him to not even be willing to offer Michael a reason to ignore him. He felt a sense of urgency to help Jeremy. Jeremy has been in his life almost as long as video games and he struggles to figure how to live without any of those two in his life, even if he really knows that he could. Unfortunately, in the back of his head there's an annoying voice screaming 'he found out you had a crush on him and was disgusted and left you' that was getting louder with every silent strut out of every room Michael enters. Jeremy was just out of reach and Michael was scrambling for purchase of any constants in his life he can hold on to.

When that bathroom door was slammed shut on Michael, it felt like the last twelve years of friendship was cut off between the door and its frame. Michael's breath ripped out like a stubborn baby tooth tied to the door, replaced with the sudden flood of guilt regret and panic, building and building drowning Michael within his own body as he sat on the cool tile and his face leaked the salt water flood of emotion in his lungs. In this downing oxygen deprived, adrenaline ruled state, the thought ‘he found out you had a crush on him, he hates you’ is almost like breaching the surface of the sea of tears. These thoughts keep cycling through his head over and over slamming across the sides of his skull like rocks in a washing machine. Jeremy never hated Michael for liking guys, but maybe Jeremy hates him for liking him, maybe Jeremy just is using the SQUIP as an excuse to finally rid himself of Michael. Maybe if Michael could even pretend to be into girls he wouldn’t be bullied so badly, he wouldn't be a loser, the SQUIP would let Jeremy talk to him again. And with that Michael picks himself up finally the knocking ended, he splashes water in his face trying to will away the puffy red eyes but gives up quickly resolving if anyone questions, he’ll just say he was smoking.

Michael finally leaves the bathroom leaving his flooding brain entering the flood of teenage hormones and underage drinking, it’s immediately overwhelming. He trudges through the crowds filling Jake’s hallways, at some point seeing Brooke dodge through with tears in her eyes, and makes his way to the kitchen. The music here a little muffled, the only thing is here a smoky haze and a few teenagers filling up their drinks, none of who he knows the names of. Michael decides that he needs a break there’s so much going on, and takes a shot or two of the bottle with the highest alcohol content before grabbing a Pepsi and pouring more alcohol into it. The dulling of his senses happens pretty quickly after that. He stayed there muffled music, smoke, and people in making out on the counter a few feet away, letting the haze carry him.

At some point around three drinks later, a group of girls, most of which he recognizes from classes, enter giggling to each other and pour drinks for one another. Michael pays them little mind but having not much else to do but people watch, wallow in the end of a twelve year friendship, and play this goddamn puzzle game on his phone he swears wasn’t this hard yesterday, but his hands aren't really listening to his brain anyway. He does notice when one gestures to him and a few others giggle, but looks back down assuming it was to do with mocking him, he’s had enough of that tonight, thank you. The girls with now full cups move to leave again, but one stays behind, and approaches him slyly, almost like a cat. Michael looks up as she approaches him, she smiles is a way that Michael is sure he’s never seen before and hops up on the counter he’s leaning on. “You look lonely” she says leaning forward off the counter a little to make eye contact with Michael, pulling a small pout as if to jokingly tease him.

Michael shrugs, rolling his eyes lazily, “Didn’t come with anyone, what about you? Just ditched your friends.”

The girl, Michael recognizes as a short, mixed race Japanese-Filipino, girl from his music composition course, laughs at him a little. “No, no, they’re going ‘boy hunting’” She air quotes with her drink in hand, “I’m not too interested in wandering around when a guy’s already caught my eye”.

The girl leans into Michael just a little but enough for him to get what she meant. He freezes a little bit holding back his usual bit on being gay, and considers what action he could take. He just spent the last hour or two considering how his life would be intact if he just pretended to like women. At this point, the spiral started with Jeremy but nowhere near that is where it ended. Pros and Cons drunkenly weighed, Michael leans back a little and says, “Oh yeah? And who would that lucky guy be?” Michael surprised by his own words and confidence, commits and decides if this girl is into him, why not?

“Oh I’d love to tell you, but I honestly never caught his name,” she giggles, taking a sip from her drink.

Michael smirks, something that makes him feel a little gross building in his stomach that he brushes off as the alcohol messing with him. “My names Michael, I think we have Music Comp together?”

“Yeah! We totally do, I’m Nicole, now that there’s names known” she leans in once again, “Wanna go destroy one of Dillinger’s bedrooms?”

Michael’s faux confident nod was all Nicole needed before she grabbed his hand gently leading him up the stairs back to the floor he was on less than an hour ago. Stumbling into a unfamiliar room might not be the strangest experience for Michael, but doing so with a girl that immediately latches onto his shirt while giggling was not something he’d expect himself to do if you mentioned it a month ago. It was almost like the experience was separate to him, Nicole was cute, in a totally platonic way, someone Michael could see himself being into if he, well, liked girls. Michael returns her gesture by grabbing her hips and grinning, silently agreeing to enjoy himself at least. A different experience by all means. Nicole’s soft curves rivalling and the harder edges that he’s ever been with before, able to enjoy himself but still feeling a little, off, about it, each kiss feeling like it was leaving stones in his stomach. Their drunken stumbling doing little for their technique. The experience enjoyable enough to complete but clearly rushed by the party going on in the next room. It’s a flurry of her nails scratching his back, his rough hands roaming her soft skin, her back, her breasts, suddenly they’re undressed and she’s on him and he’s holding her hips. And then it’s done, she collapses onto his chest and lifts herself so he is no longer inside of her and rolls next to him. As she's grabbing her phone from her jacket pocket he gently takes off the condom and ties it up, throwing it in the bedside bin. "Shit", Nicole hisses, standing up and getting redressed, "my ride's trying to ditch, can I get your number? I'd love to see you again" she purrs and passes her phone to Michael and he obediently enters. When he goes to hand it back she has just finished putting on her shirt. Nicole smiles and kisses him again before taking off, leaving him in the empty messy room and his equally messy thoughts.

It wasn't a terrible experience, Michael guesses as he slowly gets dressed. His skin crawls in a way very similar to the moments after Jeremy slammed the bathroom door. Did he just use Nicole? Was that wrong to do to her? Why did he convince himself that this would fix everything, when all it did was make him feel worse? He peels himself away finally dressed, back into the bathroom where he began his spiral almost two and a half hours ago. Michael crawls into the bathtub that is only occupied by other empty cans and bottles, and lays there, allowing his drunken thoughts and logic to ruminate creating a storm in his brain. He briefly remembers that alcohol is a depressant, and wonders exactly what that means.

He doesn't know how long he's been there when he starts hearing people yell about a fire. He doesn't know how long he laid there thinking maybe he should just stay there and let the risk of burning alive fix himself and his problems. He knows he tells himself to stop being a fucking pussy and deal with his shit before he stands up and stumbles out of Jake Dillinger's burning house, breathing in the acrid smoke and wobbling home. He supposes not remembering getting home or passing out in his own bed means he drank more than he should have. His moms agree and make him promise to call them if he does it again, and maybe that adds another few stones of guilt to the pit of his stomach.


End file.
